Donald’s Very Important and Serious Speech is predictably being met with media commendation, because he managed to get through it without calling anyone a rapist or referencing his body parts. But the content of this speech is an embarrassing flop. If this is the best Donald’s got, we’re not impressed.


All well-deserved mirthless laughter aside, Donald’s speech was not the serious policy speech of a serious candidate.

“Jobs, jobs, jobs!” is not a policy. It is a catchphrase that doesn’t rise to the standard of being stitched on a hat.

“She simply lacks the integrity and temperament to serve in the office; from the bottom of my soul, I know this to be true” is not a valid critique. Knowing something “from the bottom of one’s soul” is not a verifiable set of facts.

“We are going to make America rich again” is not a serious campaign promise. It is an illusion that disregards the fundamental nature of the unfettered and unregulated capitalist system his party prefers, which is that if you want to live in a capitalist society that gives a small handful of your friends the opportunity to get nasty rich, then we can’t all be wealthy.

His entire speech was an amateurishly stitched-together conglomeration of rehashed (and discredited) anti-Hillary talking points which haven’t been effective in bringing her down before and will not be this time; ripped-off Bernie Sanders speeches; projections of his own demonstrable history of being a crooked liar; and the usual word salad of gossamer promises and thinly-veiled nationalism.

To fact-check this speech necessarily means checking to see if it contained any facts at all.

If congratulations are in order, they are literally only for managing to stand at a podium and read the entire speech to completion while barely managing to contain his usual grotesque spectacle of bigoted buffoonery. Which is a pretty alarmingly low bar. To quote Donald himself: Sad!

Again I am left to ponder what would it look like if Donald were held to the same standards as Hillary. All she has to do is be extraordinary. All he has to do is not fall over at a podium.

The question now is whether he will be able to maintain this pathetic approximation of competence, facing the same conundrum that haunts him each time we hear that he is going to get serious and be a grown-up candidate: Being a serious candidate is boring for him and boring for his supporters.

Abandoning his trademark bombast engenders mistrust among his core supporters, who think he’s selling out to the establishment, while it’s never quite convincing enough for dubious Republicans who find his unpredictability to be one of his worst traits.

And even media who are desperate to frame him as a competent candidate who can compete on the merits, and to turn this lopsided race into a competitive campaign, are going to struggle to milk enough tepid approbation for this low quality address to meaningfully bolster his terrible image and flailing candidacy.

He just isn’t giving them enough. At least not enough of the right thing. He’s still giving them plenty of Donald.

The problem is: Donald isn’t presidential material. Even by the lowest of low standards.

(AP Photo/Richard Drew)