If you’ve noticed random objects and strange men in lab coats suddenly appearing and disappearing in your home, do not panic. Scientists discovered teleportation or something* today, so they’re probably just testing out the system a bit.
Now that Star Trek-style transporters are an imminent reality (I think they’ll be out by Tuesday), it’s time to start thinking about the best possible uses for teleportation. Here are just a few potential uses for this amazing new technology:
- Teleport Mitt Romney’s cars from one level of his garage to another
- Teleport Sarah Palin’s house even closer to Russia, so she can keep a close eye on things
- Teleport a few abortion providers into Texas. And Louisiana. And South Dakota. And Alabama. And…
- Teleport John McCain from one Sunday show studio to another, because cutting out that travel alone could solve the climate crisis
- Teleport Marco Rubio, Jeb Bush, Bobby Jindal, and Chris Christie to an alternate universe where they have a chance to become president
- Teleport Bill O’Reilly to a spa somewhere because I don’t know what he’s so angry about, but the guy needs to relax
- Teleport Vladimir Putin closer to Alaska so Sarah Palin can keep a close eye on him
- Teleport Florida to Oz. It’ll fit in better
- Teleport Darrell Issa, Trey Gowdy, and the rest of the Benghazi truthers to Benghazi
- Teleport Donald Trump… anywhere else, really
*Or something. They didn’t discover teleportation. They got better at getting electrons to exchange quantum information at a distance instantaneously. By trapping them in super cold diamonds. Which is still really cool.
Jesse Berney is a BNR contributing editor, as well as a speechwriter and stand-up comedian in Washington, DC. Follow him on Twitter: @jesseberney