The Top 10 Uses for Teleportation

If you’ve noticed random objects and strange men in lab coats suddenly appearing and disappearing in your home, do not panic. Scientists discovered teleportation or something* today, so they’re probably just testing out the system a bit.

Now that Star Trek-style transporters are an imminent reality (I think they’ll be out by Tuesday), it’s time to start thinking about the best possible uses for teleportation. Here are just a few potential uses for this amazing new technology:

  • Teleport Mitt Romney’s cars from one level of his garage to another
  • Teleport Sarah Palin’s house even closer to Russia, so she can keep a close eye on things
  • Teleport a few abortion providers into Texas. And Louisiana. And South Dakota. And Alabama. And…
  • Teleport John McCain from one Sunday show studio to another, because cutting out that travel alone could solve the climate crisis
  • Teleport Marco Rubio, Jeb Bush, Bobby Jindal, and Chris Christie to an alternate universe where they have a chance to become president
  • Teleport Bill O’Reilly to a spa somewhere because I don’t know what he’s so angry about, but the guy needs to relax
  • Teleport Vladimir Putin closer to Alaska so Sarah Palin can keep a close eye on him
  • Teleport Florida to Oz. It’ll fit in better
  • Teleport Darrell Issa, Trey Gowdy, and the rest of the Benghazi truthers to Benghazi
  • Teleport Donald Trump… anywhere else, really

*Or something. They didn’t discover teleportation. They got better at getting electrons to exchange quantum information at a distance instantaneously. By trapping them in super cold diamonds. Which is still really cool.

Jesse Berney is a BNR contributing editor, as well as a speechwriter and stand-up comedian in Washington, DC. Follow him on Twitter: @jesseberney

 

Comments