In a stunning development that could upend the 2016 election, Donald Trump and his cohorts have revealed the shocking truth: Hillary Clinton is not a robot. She is actually a human being who uses pillows, sits on stools, and yes, sleeps.
Initial evidence of the jarring discovery that Hillary is human emerged when pictures of her sitting on a stool began to surface on social media. The 68-year-old, who has been cross-country campaigning for 16 months, has long been presumed to be a robot, due to her superhuman stamina and capacity to withstand relentless verbal assaults while smashing huge barriers.
But in recent weeks, undercover photographers – including those masquerading as official photogs from her own campaign – have captured images of Hillary sitting. Sometimes for as long as minutes.
In one instance, she was caught sitting for eleven straight hours!
It has also been revealed by enterprising investigators that Hillary likes pillows. Specifically, leaning on them. Contacted for comment, the Pillowton Institute confirmed that, in fact, many humans do enjoy the comfort of pillows. Meanwhile, the R2 Center for Robotics affirmed that robots are typically not known to be aficionados of pillows, given “their lack of sensory perception and indifference to fluffy surfaces.”
Over the past 48 hours, rumors have begun to circulate that Hillary spends several hours every day sleeping, which gives further credibility to the emergent presumption that she is human.
And the evidence that she is not a robot reached critical mass when these photos went viral:
Guy Brosef, founder of Hillary Haters, Inc., who later left the group to work for Breitbart.com, said that the new development proves what he has been saying for years: “I always knew Hillary was a liar when she claimed to be a robot. Robots don’t breathe and I’ve seen her breathing (and even drinking water) in debates.”
[Editor Fact-Check: Hillary has never asserted that she is a robot. She has, however, not denied that she is a robot, either.]
Iconic reporter Bob Dillwood, equally known for investigative journalism that has taken down presidents and for policing women’s tones, was dubious.
He is not, however, inclined to further question this emerging story. “Nah, I’m good,” he said in a statement. “If honest Donald says she’s human, who am I to doubt him?”
Now that Trump, Hillary Haters, Inc. and affiliated organizations have exposed Hillary as an actual human being, they are quickly formulating a strategy to exploit this new revelation. An anonymous source familiar with the planning suggests that the new approach will center on exposing that Hillary is a woman, thus undermining her value as a human being.
Among the new attack targets being developed: Her voice, her hair, her clothes, her age, her likability, her laugh, her smile, her ambition, her marriage, her charitable work and her authenticity.
It’s worth noting that an alternate theory is making the rounds that Hillary is neither robot nor human, but a devil or some sort of hybrid monster-liar heretofore presumed to be mythical — a theory, it should be noted, favored by the national press.
We’ll keep you posted as new information emerges.
[Peter Daou contributed to this article.]